Wild-ly Wonderous WTFuckery


It takes a lot to truly piss me off. Sure, I’ve dealt with rude waiters, wrong dishes and back talk, but never all those things at once. That’s when you know a place has truly screwed their shit.

I also rarely leave ZERO tip, but if it was 100% undeserved, I’d do it. Tips are for a combination of good food and good service, or at least good service that outshines mediocre grub. But if I don’t get one of those, at least, you get nada. NOTHING.

It doesn’t make me feel good to leave a restaurant pissed off and hungry. But even a bad experience can give a customer some useful perspective for what basic tenets of a good/at the very least normal performance should constitute a restaurant visit.

Ambiance – Fair, but really, can't you do better?

Wild seems to strive for a rustic, hip-to-it and neighborhood-y like vibe. Unfinished wood –plank tables, the odd/eccentric bent metal sculpture hanging from the ceiling and chalkboard bar menu seems to say, “We know what’s up — you’re going to have a good time here.”

Wild Vegan Review NYC
Even though I liked the direction Wild was going for with the space, it was entirely too cramped to enjoy any of it.

They offer pizza-making classes and weekly cooking classes with their head chef. In theory, the look of the place doesn’t belie the reprehensible experience I had that night.

Just by appearance, it would seem to be a restaurant that would have a level of accommodating service and friendliness to match its trendy aura. Unfortunately, completely NOT the case.

Service – Absolutely Abysmal

At first, it looked like I was begging for a seat here. I really detest sitting so close to another table that if you stretch your legs or cross them, your leg bumps into the person next to you. I’m paying to eat comfortably in a place other than my house, so I should enjoy my meal without the worry of bumping into another person if I want to be comfortable while I eat.

That’s why I asked to move to a more secluded table in the corner, that at the moment was unoccupied. But no, my request was refused because it was “reserved.”

And you know what? NO ONE showed up the whole effing time we were there, for those two excruciating hours. Instead, we were cordoned off to a table that was against the wall, not next to another table, but was so close to a vertically adjacent one that each time the waitress passed/squeezed by our table, her ass practically wiped the edge.

That’s just selfish.

1) Because there are too many tables, brah. I get that you want the maximum amount of customers, but don’t compromise their comfort.
2) Because when there are open tables and you have diners there already wanting to give you money versus invisible customers who may or may not show up, you effing accommodate them first.

Part 1 – The Order

My waitress was a bit snippy with me — she seemed not to really know about the vegan dish on the menu. I had to confirm with her whether it was really vegan or not, and she wasn’t really apologetic about it either. C’mon, get your act together!

Part 2 – The Fuck-up

After waiting 45 minutes for my food (I timed it), I got a pie with meat on it. When I asked my waitress about it, she told me that the pie was the vegan one. Uh, what? There were prominent pieces of pork meat on it, so it was 100% NOT vegan.

Here is how the dialogue went –

“Hi, I received the wrong pie.”

She looks at the pie.

“What was wrong with it?”

“I ordered the vegan pie. This clearly has meat on it.”

“It has vegan cheese on it, like you asked.”

“No, I ordered the vegan pie. This pie has pork meat all over it.”

Looking flustered, she says,

“OK, let me get my manager.”

The manager shows up .

“Hello, what seems to be the problem?”

“I received the wrong order.”

“What’s wrong with your order?”

“I ordered the vegan pie. This pie has meat all over it.”

“OK, we will fix it.”

“Also, our food took 45 minutes to arrive, including the appetizer. Could you please make sure it doesn’t take that long?”

“Yes, absolutely, I’ll tell the kitchen now.”

She goes to the kitchen, leaving me annoyed and still hungry. When our pizza arrives, the manager serves it. Then later, when the bill shows up, I notice a price discrepancy with the pizza. They charge me $31 instead of the list price of $22. I ask about it, and the manager tells me,

“Well, we didn’t charge you for the kale. It was complimentary.”

“OK, I appreciate that, but the price of the pizza is still incorrect.”

“We aren’t charging the appetizer, you get that free because of the trouble with your order.”

“But the price is still wrong.”

“OK, we can charge you for the kale, is that what you want?”

“You know what, forget it.”

How does comping an app for me justify having the wrong price on another item? Tell me how much sense that makes. Answer – NONE.

Pizza: Vegan BBQ – $31 (rip-off) Almost Acceptable

It’s not that hard to make a passable pizza. As long as you know what you’re doing with the dough and how to operate an oven, the rest is simply to add toppings. I guess that’s too much for Wild to handle, because their pizza was way too salty. The pizza in general was nothing special — the crust was chewy, the sauce did nothing for me, the vegan chicken seemed like it was just plopped on top without ceremony. What they could’ve done was to caramelize the vegan chicken with garlic and onion in a sauté before putting it on the pizza. I guess because they heard my complaint about the timing, they kind of rushed it. Not a good excuse. Also, 100% not worth $31 (showed as $22 on the menu). Apparently, the additional scrawny red peppers and onion topping cost $4.50 each. What a racket!

Wild Vegan Review NYC
Before: with a vegan’s nightmare: dead pork flesh all over.
Wild Vegan Review NYC
After: not much better; a mediocre excuse for vegan pizza. Looks like they dumped all the uncooked toppings on it and baked it, only warming the cheese.

Strawberry Lemonade – $6 Near Confection Perfection

When the best part of your meal is your drink, that’s when you know your meal is sad. I liked that there were blended strawberry pieces throughout the drink, and that it was freshly squeezed. Now, if the pizza I accompanied it with… oh wait! I completely finished my drink way before the pizza ever got near my table, so I didn’t even get to do that. What a bummer!

Wild Vegan Review NYC
It’s pretty weak if the best part of dinner is your beverage.

Kale side dish – “free” Fair, but really, can't you do better?

At least they know how to cook kale. What can I say? It tasted normal. Whatever.

Wild, I know you want to be this trendy, simplistic idea guided by undecorated ingredients.

Wild Vegan Review NYC
Yeah, OK.

I didn’t experience any of that ish during my visit. Just mediocre food and incompetent service. A gluten-free wolf in organic sheep’s clothing.

Wild Vegan Review NYC
What a rip! The bottom should say, “thanks for dumping money on us, too bad it can’t buy brains though.” Womp Womp

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